~Eternal c0nfUs!oN~ Life'S a MySt3rY
2.12.04
[Fobia] Im afraid of death and growing old.
Well this post is sort of a presentation of my deepest fear. Death
Ever since i was studying. . . that will be during kindergarten. . . I always get weird nightmares about dying and growing old and stuff. And they always make me break up in cold sweat. And they still come occasionally reminding me about my impending mortality. Its always scary, even as i age. And it is why i choose to believe in the afterlife, it allows me to calm down, thinking it will be another cycle after death. I just cannot stand death.
Before death is the process of ageing. Some love growing older. the 21st year to some is an entry to adulthood. the 40th year symbolizes the maturity of a real man. Well i don't even like the concept of growing old. First thing i think of is taking care of myself, im afraid i cant do a good job, i cant even imagine what i would do when im alone. Thinking of that already makes me freak out. And most of the time, i cant stop thinking life passes so quickly that i'll be dying in like half a decades time. Well some people say memories bring life a long way well im afraid i cant carry all that to my grave and again all that thots make me freak out. I'll then most likely go through a day lying on bed thinking of the future and what i will become and most likely another day will be wasted.
And before ageing is NOW. I quite hate wad im doing now. Playing computer games cant help wif my life much. Reading news of today cant allow me to predict and noe my future. Reading comics won't be forever. Thats what i worry now, about the future. Thats why i've been looking for all kinds of divination that can teach me how to give me security about my future. Or even comics that can convince me to stop worrying about the future cause without the present, there isnt one!
So here i'll stop. Hope this part on death wouldnt bring anyone to the same state of thought as me. It doesnt feel good to be like me. But hope it can help enlightening some.
Ever since i was studying. . . that will be during kindergarten. . . I always get weird nightmares about dying and growing old and stuff. And they always make me break up in cold sweat. And they still come occasionally reminding me about my impending mortality. Its always scary, even as i age. And it is why i choose to believe in the afterlife, it allows me to calm down, thinking it will be another cycle after death. I just cannot stand death.
Before death is the process of ageing. Some love growing older. the 21st year to some is an entry to adulthood. the 40th year symbolizes the maturity of a real man. Well i don't even like the concept of growing old. First thing i think of is taking care of myself, im afraid i cant do a good job, i cant even imagine what i would do when im alone. Thinking of that already makes me freak out. And most of the time, i cant stop thinking life passes so quickly that i'll be dying in like half a decades time. Well some people say memories bring life a long way well im afraid i cant carry all that to my grave and again all that thots make me freak out. I'll then most likely go through a day lying on bed thinking of the future and what i will become and most likely another day will be wasted.
And before ageing is NOW. I quite hate wad im doing now. Playing computer games cant help wif my life much. Reading news of today cant allow me to predict and noe my future. Reading comics won't be forever. Thats what i worry now, about the future. Thats why i've been looking for all kinds of divination that can teach me how to give me security about my future. Or even comics that can convince me to stop worrying about the future cause without the present, there isnt one!
So here i'll stop. Hope this part on death wouldnt bring anyone to the same state of thought as me. It doesnt feel good to be like me. But hope it can help enlightening some.
Last time Im on the blog run.
Well this is the last and most likely it will be very long before another post comes along. Its kinda weird to change life after like 18 years of studying. Now i don't have any academic goals. Feels kinda weird. There's no more academic goal and im sorta lost. And i don't quite like the computer games im playing the way i liked them while i was studying. . . It seems quite boring all of a sudden. Maybe its the change in psychological state or maybe its something else. Well changes go well with me, but i sure do hope its positive change. . . I don't wanna live an asshole or a beggar for the rest of my life.
Just taking a break and sort of paradigm shift from the normal study and play study and play life. Goin to go through what alot of ppl say *will change boys to men* course. Well i'll call it a course. . . its just a transistion in life but i sure do feel its coming way too quickly. I don't even get like 1 month to get used to slacking arnd and thinking bout my life. I get, well, a week. Not alot huh. Mebbe its time to reflect what has been goin on for the last 2 years. And time to make my room alot cleaner. It has to be. I'll b like gonna for 5 days each week for 104 weeks. Time flies. Hope it'll slow down. I cant stand ageing.
Seems like i got a phobia of growing up. Always do feel sad when thinking bout growing old and dying. Maybe not just feeling sad, its something else. . .
Just taking a break and sort of paradigm shift from the normal study and play study and play life. Goin to go through what alot of ppl say *will change boys to men* course. Well i'll call it a course. . . its just a transistion in life but i sure do feel its coming way too quickly. I don't even get like 1 month to get used to slacking arnd and thinking bout my life. I get, well, a week. Not alot huh. Mebbe its time to reflect what has been goin on for the last 2 years. And time to make my room alot cleaner. It has to be. I'll b like gonna for 5 days each week for 104 weeks. Time flies. Hope it'll slow down. I cant stand ageing.
Seems like i got a phobia of growing up. Always do feel sad when thinking bout growing old and dying. Maybe not just feeling sad, its something else. . .
27.11.04
Sob.
In 10th dec. Count it short holidays. Actually its only 2 days and im getting quite frustrated with whatever i do.
And blogging doesnt help. Blah. T_T
And ya nothing helps. . . really. nothing helps. After exams, for me its like im starting to live in wonderland, that is all to myself. And alone. T_T sob.
And blogging doesnt help. Blah. T_T
And ya nothing helps. . . really. nothing helps. After exams, for me its like im starting to live in wonderland, that is all to myself. And alone. T_T sob.
27.10.04
last post b4 As.
Day of REVELATION. Thot thru it in like 5 minutes. Seriously. My last day on the comp. right b4 chem pract. . . really really made my choice. Im a student. Not a gamer. At least during the As. And the vacation i gave up. I have to make sure my future is smoother. . . so i decided. . . in i go on december 10th. . . so cya guys~~~~ gd luck for the As~~~~~
last post b4 As.
Day of REVELATION. Thot thru it in like 5 minutes. Seriously. My last day on the comp. right b4 chem pract. . . really really made my choice. Im a student. Not a gamer. At least during the As. And the vacation i gave up. I have to make sure my future is smoother. . . so i decided. . . in i go on december 10th. . . so cya guys~~~~ gd luck for the As~~~~~
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